You may have heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. In a nutshell, if we are to ever to ascend the summit of our true potential, and live a happy and fulfilling life (self-actualization), we must first provide ourselves the basic needs of, as Maslow puts it, Esteem, Love/belonging, Safety, and Physiological.
One of our most primary needs is ACCEPTANCE. It falls into the "Love/Belonging" and "Esteem" categories.
Acceptance is never more important than during the teen and preteen years - when they are clamoring, ever so awkwardly, toward adulthood and on their way to the summit of self-actualization (their true potential).
Many of us believe the basic need of Acceptance can only be supplied by others. That it is something that comes to us, and something others must provide for us.
"BZZZZZZZZT!" Wrong! Or, in the words of Alex Trebek, "Oooooo... sorry."
One thing I stress to teens as I travel across the country is that if they spend their time expecting other people to make them happy, they'll never be happy.
The same thing is true with Acceptance.
The person who should be the most accepting of you... is you.
Why do you think teens make so many stupid decisions? Even adults for that matter?
When people are hungry for acceptance and seek after validation, they make choices that they wouldn't normally make. They believe that by acting a certain way it will help them to be noticed and accepted by the person or group they're trying to impress.
Why do you think:
kids get involved in gangs there is a bullying epidemic in schools across our nations there are as many as 850,000 teen pregnancies reported each year 20% of teens have seriously considered suicide in the last 12 months 80% of 12th graders and 51.7% of 8th graders use alcohol as their drug of choice 1.3 million students fail to graduate each year... and on and on.
To help a teen accept themselves, they must feel unconditional acceptance from you.
Giving a teen unconditional acceptance means regardless of what they've done, who they are, what they say, or where they come from, you make them feel understood instead of judged. And that's not always easy. We're human. It's natural to pass judgment.
Don't confuse acceptance with approval.
Accepting a teenager unconditionally doesn't mean you have to accept their reasoning, the premise of what they're saying, their poor behavior or bad attitude, their disrespect, their playing the victim card, or their oft-times poor sense of judgment.
But the simple act of showing them that you accept them for who they are, as a person - their weaknesses, strengths and all - is the first step to helping them build their own self-acceptance. This will lead to their building a more positive self-esteem and self-confidence. It will open the door of a truly meaningful relationship in inspiring and influencing the life of a teen.
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